Losing Your Chi
Walker and Texas Ranger Norris, the two shunned children of actor Chuck Norris, emerged from obscurity this week. The Norris’ have managed to have been more secretive than TomKat and their Suri Cruise. They’ve been sheltered from society upon their parent’s wishes. Walker and Texas Ranger Norris, 12 and 15 years old respectively, contacted Orange County social workers and drew large amounts of media, claiming abuse from their father Mr. Chuck Norris.
Media outlets everywhere were stunned and began denouncing the kids’ validation. E!s Guiliana DePandi was startled, “Chuck Norris, karate chopping his kids?! I’m not buying it. What I will buy is this fact: at a recent martial arts tournament, Texas Ranger was in a final round of the county championship when Chuck pulled him aside. It’s been confirmed by two valid sources that Chuck told Texas Ranger that he needed to focus and find his chi but was interrupted giving the advice, “When I was in Delta Force…”, by a frustrated Texas Ranger firing, “That was fucking movie dumbass!”. Texas Ranger ran back to the center mat and presumably lost focus. The match ended with despair and tears. An upset Texas Ranger was then chastised by Chuck again outside. Texas Ranger threw the celebratory sausage pizza in Chuck’s face and ran home.”
Following up on the sources, 60 minute’s newly retired Mike Wallace, who’s now a bystander, happened to attend the karate match for leisure. “I’ve had an in-depth interview with a few sources. First the eyewitness that heard the confrontation was the next door Papa John’s assistant manager and he also had a run in with Chuck himself. The 38 year old, highly decorated asst. manager, Jack Squick heard of the match and thought it would add a ‘personal touch’ by delivering the pizza to the next door taekwondo center himself. Upon arriving, Squick loitered in anticipation of a signed autograph from the up and coming karate master prodigy, Texas Ranger. Squick muffled, “I’ve been to many of his show casings and he’s fabulous. But, yeah, I don’t understand what happened to him out there today. I guess he just lost his chi.” On his run in with the father Chuck: “I saw Texas Ranger grabbed by the arm, almost like an Indian Burn was applied by Chuck. After Texas Ranger ran off, I went up to Chuck and scolded him! And then, he took his anger out on me!” Chuck then, it seems, may have had an anger streak in him. I felt obliged to speak to Chuck. Chuck would not speak of or about his son Texas Ranger as it was a “Family matter that’ll be solved jujitsu style!” but he did speak about the asst. manager Jack Squick. “That, who? Jack? Fuck it! That pizza bastard or whoever that was had the balls to come up to me? He wanted to get his two cents in, so he did! What I did? That fuck head stuck around for no reason and he was eating the pizza I bought. He thought he was invited? That freeloading bastard! Oh, he said I lost my chi!” From there Mr. Norris cooled down and calmly gave me a tutorial on how to kick freeloaders’ asses. Impressive I must say. His gluets are perfectly toned if I may add.
Mike Wallace hollered from his taxi, “As I’m off to Boca Raton for an over 80’s jamboree, I turned in my findings to the local high school’s lead reporter.” Rachel Hedwig, the lead reporter from Wesson High’s paper, decided not to do much more follow up work. It must be mentioned that she was dumped by Texas Ranger months ago and of course, would not vouch for Texas Ranger after her numerous unanswered text messages. To settle the dispute simply, the head teacher at the karate center, Sensei Billy Kimball dropped, “They just lost their chi and that’s all. I’ve seen many lose chi during matches and it’s disheartening but you’ve got to pick yourself up regain it. Losing your chi afflicts so many martial artists that it has recently been called a disorder. It is the number one thing to befall masters of the mats. It’s all a matter of chi, chi and more chi.”
posted by The Major @ 12:59 PM
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