Clint Eastwood Fined by the FCC

“They’re no heroes – just soldiers, people against people, fighting for what they believe in.” A disgruntled Eastwood threw a hissy fit after receiving the news of the fine. The fine, handed down by the FCC, lists Eastwood’s constant placement of purposeless shadows as too dark and his actors have complained of not being able to work in the dark along with nauseating switches from light to dark. Eastwood was also fined for creating yet another tear jerker for his recent film, “Flags of our Fathers”.

Maxine Wellington, head justice for the FCC and creator of the fine, warned Eastwood, “Let this fine serve as a warning to Mr. Eastwood. I am tired of crying half way through his movies. It’s just not right! He builds you up and then wham! Bulldozed by the character’s feelings, I let go. And I’m always out of Kleenex. He has the nerve to tell they’re no heroes – who is this traitor. Eastwood is my 8 year old son’s hero, he adores him. What unabashed unpatriotic wienerschnittzle is this? Plus with the tears welled in my eyes, I can’t see the actors onscreen. Stop with the shadows already Clint!”

Eastwood replied in a hoarse, clear grunt at the premiere of his follow up to “Flags”, “Iwo Jima”, “Yeah, I’d like to meet her. What would I say? I’d just say ‘There’s no actors or directors – just people, emotion, mood, raw feeling!’ And then I’d stare at her like I was going to be mischievous. Then I’d cast her on the spot and film her – in a shadow.”

Wellington was at the debut and she had a box of Kleenex in hand. A quarter-way through the film, it started. Sniffle after sniffle, Wellington yanked another Kleenex out of the box. She glanced back at Clint. He gave her the growly, silent squint. She didn’t sniffle again.