Don't Spread: Soulja Boy

If you’ve lived after hearing his single "Crank Dat Soulja Boy (Supaman Dat Hoe)", double check to see if you can still hear and think clearly. For those who have not heard it, I advise not to. If you’re inclined to do so, proceed with extreme caution; make sure you have adult supervision when listening so they can slap the shit out of you when go retarded.

Now I still champion Southern music. But this snap shit has got to go. Or at the least, it has to take more of a back seat. More like a permanent seat that is just for the club and dance records. It certainly does not deserve national attention. Label heads have feasted on this and national outlets are the main reason why Da Shop Boyz’ "Rock Star" and Hurricane Chris’ "Ay Bay Bay" are granted top spots. I’m not hating—actually I am—on people getting their money but Da Shop Boyz are exploiting the world; they reek like, well, as much as Ozzy Osbourne does. "Rock Star" is ruining minds.



Blake kind of got me going because he posted a video of Soulja Boy's dance. Nothing at Blake but I didn't realize Soulja Boy was this big. I had heard about him for a few months but I just didn't think it was like this.

Soulja Boy touts on his MySpace that he ranks number 1 in hits, plays and page views out of all 30 million independent artists. Friend Blaster aside, I’m beginning to believe that people, kids or not, actually think this is good music. I checked his page the other day and at 2 PM, he had 20k listens. I started to cry inside. Is this what the Rap game is coming to?

Be forewarned if you haven’t been already because within months Soulja Boy will take over everything. The "hood" is even backing him as DJ Scream features him on a new tape. I refused to listen but my brother got an earlier mixtape, Stacks on Deck. How do people think a song called "Doo Doo Head" is cool? It's about stinky breath but does that constitute a song. Is Soulja Boy Rap's version of Radio Disney? "I Got Some Bapes" tells of his Bapes collection. "Left Foot In" retells every song from the ATL in the past few years. Months ago I thought "I Just Got My Report Card" was a joke from some bored MySpace kid down south. "Shootout"? Can he even pick up a gun? Shut up and stop repeating "Shoot it"!

I need to stop. I'm previewing this tape while I write this. Soulja Boy has given me a headache. Seriously. I feel dumber because I listened to this. I feel my brain cells are evaporating as we speak.

These aren't songs. The hooks extend to the verses. The lyrics are a mockery to everyone who makes music or is a fan of music. The beats are extremely regular and trashy. Yelling "Aaaaa!" in every song doesn't work (it never has really), plus it seems if you yell "Aaaaa!", it's a party starter... no you just learnt the first letter of the alphabet. "Bbbbb!"

I know Soulja Boy is a kid and is marketing to kids. But someone needs to spank him. Kids who read this (if they can, LOL!) please don't think Soulja Boy is cool. Just say NO! If anyone sees Soulja Boy, slap the shit out of his monkey ass!

Check out Soulja Boy's MySpace