Snakes on a Plane Sequel Just Leaked: Gays on an Elevator

The sequel to Snakes on a Plane has just been shot and is awaiting test audiences nation wide. The huge success or rather hype surrounding Snakes on a Plane led producers to immediately shoot another thrilling version. “We just had to ante up and get this job done! There was no way we’d sit and wait – we had to come stronger,” said Ray Moneda, producer of Snakes on a Plane.
The premise this time: Gays on an Elevator. Although it appears controversial, Moneda claims, “Gays in America are ripe for the taking. I mean it’s SOO in to be gay. Look at what Gylenhall and Ledger did, they made mountain love and won critical acclaim. Ha! Gays on an Elevator will sweep the Oscars and the Globes.” Moneda went on to describe the casting, “We felt like we needed to pounce on a big time star to help propel our project reach the next level. Sam Jackson was more than willing to be in the follow-up but he came at a high price. Plus we needed a star villain to play opposite Jackson with our budget. We thought of a diabolical Bruce Willis, Jackalesque, sneering at the elevator’s patrons and hissing incessantly. In a Willis growl he opinioned, “I won’t prance around and I won’t play anything but a beat up cop!” I returned, “But you were so good in Disney’s the Kid?” He hung up and balked. Too bad for him, Demi might have taken him back after seeing his versatility. We thought about Heath Ledger but realized it would more fuel to the fire. Ben Affleck? He was rude to us in a phone interview, he said his career did not need any more controversy, although I know he was scared to admit that this was His role and he would be immortalized upon acting in such a classic. Affleck denied his true acting skills, what a shame. What we could have seen. We needed a villain who would prey on his victims with a young, taut face: Mr. Josh Hartnett. Not only would young women flock, but now horny gays would be on Hartnett’s radar. We’ll even disregard the rumors that he’s be waiting for this role, ahem, to come out of the shaft. [Laughs] Elevator shaft [laughs until tears come out]. Cameos? You name ‘em, we’ve got ‘em: Rip Torn, Elton John, and Cher. Cher’s role as the unpredictable hero will be worthy of unheralded praise. Freddy, Jason and Chucky would scoff at Hartnett’s mind bending terror.”
I was allowed exclusive access to the first ever screening. Of course, I was part of test audience, just as I was for Snakes on a Plane, where after the first viewing, I demanded more Sammy L., more blood and most importantly, more SNAKES! This time I was unaware of what to expect, I mean Gays on an Elevator – Yeah, I’m spooked. But believe it or not, Gays on an Elevator was SCARY! The gist? Two dozen people board an elevator in an office building. There are couples, kids, men and women abroad this terror ride. Jackson is escorting a criminal to an attorney’s office. But someone on the elevator has a past that will not escape them. All of a sudden it stops midway along the 68th floor. What happens next, I could not tell you…
A woman near me at the screening yelped after the screening, “Oh, the bloody horror! And I thought gay people were scary and evil before. Man, you ain't seen nothing yet! They just hounded this one couple in the elevator profusely. They would not let go of the guy. First they cackle with his girlfriend, and in a jealous rage the boyfriend defends his honor, but to no avail as he is literally surmounted and sexed until subdued and in utter shock of what happened. They begin to harass this cute little 10 year old and try to get little Billy to walk on the dark side. Josh Harnett does something unimaginable in his pursuit of revenge on Jackson, it’s a must see, even though it’s wrong. The verdict: Pure Horror, I tell you! AHH!”
My judgment of the 90 minute gay thrill ride into the unknowns of unmentionable fright: a Cher super hero action figure, more raw and provocative sexing, and most importantly more GAYS!