Starbucks to Open in the Gaza Strip

Marketing execs for the world renowned coffee company, Starbucks, never planned on this site and furthermore insisted not to invest in such a perilous territory. Owner, Howard Schulz, would have it no other way, “To give something back to Israel, it would be my pleasure.” During the planning sessions, though, there was no place for a Starbucks to go. Schulz said affirming, “Bulldoze those tenements over there! I’ll print some Starbucks martyr handouts free of charge!” He has come under heat for such proposals. Displacing more Palestinians would lead to further resentment some say. Schulz said he did not care and that Israel (Gaza Strip) was his homeland and he has the God given right if he so chooses, “There is no place safe of Starbucks on this green Earth.” Eventually, Schulz dreams, “I want every terrorist over there to have the luxury of drinking a cup of coffee from Starbucks, even if they do not have a home. My plans are to slowly and strategically invade… oh um, open more spots throughout the Gaza Strip and the West Bank in the coming months.” Schulz said at a press conference recently, “Before those terrorists bomb innocent Israelis, I want to wake them with the fresh aromas of a Yemenis blend or the soothing taste of a French Roast. Dirty terrorists simultaneously holding a Starbucks cup in the left hand and detonating with their right – that’s Ad Placement 101. It will make their final hours or minutes merrier. And in the after life they’ll gladly come back and drink only Starbucks.”
Analysts counter, writing off Schulz as a hard-luck fool for actually believing this will work. They’ve even gone so far as to make predictions of a spike in terrorist attacks in those vicinities where Starbucks runs, as one anxiously whispers, “It will be mass pandemonium!” Their power point presentation was astonishingly convincing; the re-enactments echoed the horrors that may ensue. Tree Huggers Anonymous accuses Schulz of taking over what’s left of the occupied territories with his Starbuck stores. Mary Corker, president of THA boasts, “He’s going to addict these Palestinians with caffeine and in his in-house Arab-Jazz fuse mix CDs. This will numb their fighting souls. Soon more and more Starbucks will pop up and by the force of U.S. corporate greed; Israel will “legally” own these territories. All the refugees will be hooked on smooth, Jazzy coffee. Their fight will end.”
Asked if he would offer fair trade coffee, Schulz quipped, “Fuck Fair Trade Coffee – it never works; I will never give a fair trade!” Answering to whether or not he’d ever visit, “I have no plans to. No! I can already envision it in my head.”
The local community is up in arms, stating that they will only welcome a Starbucks if Schulz visits. Hassim Al-Batar, part of the local planning commission in Gaza City, wonders “Mr. Schulz needs to realize his vision. How else would we Palestinians view this? If he does not have the dignity to meet those who he’ll make money off of, then why is he doing this? Mr. Schulz, this is a welcoming invitation for peace between the Arabs and Israelis.” Peaceful intentions from Schulz? A stupefied Schulz utters, “Oh, yeah, if that’s what you call it nowadays, then yes, I am offering coffee as a means of peace.” His hopes for the future of Starbucks in Israel’s occupied territories, “Once we open, the people will see my generosity and KABOOM! Our heads will go through the roof with such prosperity.”