The Grand Ascension of Cory Lidle

Cory Lidle of the New York Yankees died yesterday in a plane crash inside New York City. He piloted the four seat charter into a 50-story building. We know Lidle is up there watching us and he has fulfilled his greatest achievement yet by following through with martyrdom, dying with dignity in the name of Allah. Many news outlets and former teammates are unwilling to admit Lidle’s secret past. He truly was a hero but only in the eyes of Al-Qaida. The rest of America will soon realize the terror the former Yankee brought Wednesday afternoon with a near disastrous 10/11: the day the world did not change because of an almost terrorizing terrorist attack. No Hall of Fame for Lidle but I imagine he'll be up there with the greats, Bin Laden and Atta. Lidle’s scorecard: Islamic Fundamentalism 1, Infidels 0.
Former teammates showered the obligatory ‘He was stand up guy’, ‘He was full of energy and so much life’ and ‘True professional, day in, day out’. What they forget is that Lidle was full of so much more: overzealous hate towards hard working Americans. Randy Johnson, the 6’11’’ giraffe of a Yankee pitcher, sounded off about Lidle, “I thought he was a terrorist!” When a media guy responded to Johnson’s claim noting that in fact Lidle was not believed to have terrorist ambitions, Johnson went AWOL. “Yeah, an American pitcher playing for the New York Yankees isn’t a terrorist! But a dirty looking Arab with a beard is? Until I see evidence, Lidle is a guilty martyr spy sent by the Iranians. Why do you think he signed with us? To tickle Steinbrenner? I think not. He secretly planned this mission, 10/11, but failed miserably and hit the side of 50-story eastside apartment building taking very few.” Alex Rodriguez, Mr. $250 million, who’s been black balled by teammates, fans and the media reacted and observed, “While I was shouldering the beast of burden for the entire futility of Steinbrenner’s “’Posed to Win Yanks”, Lidle over there (in the clubhouse) was drawing up plans to blow this world up! Nice going guys. I got a collection of “great” teammates alright! You guys could have stopped this! Giving him a great American burger would have done it but NO!”
The CIA and FBI have taken action in this case as it seemed to not be an issue of national security. However, local police in the 27th precinct raided Lidle’s house and released critical information. Lidle had a huge treasure chest in his bedroom adorned with Freedom Stickers (a large sized American flag). In it were phone listings for unidentified contacts which most likely were of terrorist cell leaders here in the U.S. Two copies of the Qu’ran were highlighted while a ruffled, red Mead 70-page notebook rested on top, full of illegible chicken scratched notes. Blueprints of certain New York buildings were in there as well, yet the report had blacked the names out for the press release. No suicide note was found. Although, there it was. The photo that will change MLB and the way the world views radical fundamentalism. Lidle sat, with his back straight and a plastered smile. There must have been a glee resonating through his lips – he was content. He didn’t need baseball or the here and now, he needed peace. Peace and Love… and Martyrdom.