Reasons for the Dismissal: The Lost Letters

Dear Rambo,
This is your American confidant, Donny. America needs you more than ever; Iraq’s a mess, Osama’s still loose and gosh darn it, we needs some fire power! Election ain’t for two years but we need results. We need to STAY the COURSE and FINISH it. You will be briefed on your weapons, ammo and plans shortly. I believe you will be dropped off in the Tora Bora Mountains on the Afghani/Pakistani Border. To our knowledge Osama is hiding there along with top Al-Qaeda members. We know Osama has a dialysis machine and is very frail. If you’ve heard of “Osama’s dead” reports, do not trust them; what you can trust is that if he died, America would’ve used it already for political gain. So when you find Osama, we only want his head, seriously. You will be given a Coleman cooler, like hospitals use for kidney storage, and you will behead Osama and carry it back to America. From the Tora Boras, you will be dropped in Eastern Turkey and you will need to cross the border using the espionage you learned from Assassins.
In Basra you will meet your partners in freedom: Blondie (yes Clint Eastwood in full attire), Robocop and Axel Foley. This team is all you need to get the job done. We assembled this group of wily, decisive Americans to win this “War on Terror”. Now here me out Rambo – you are the main ingredient here. The others were contracted merely for the sake of well balanced attack. You are the Killing Machine. You will unleash the “Terror” on terrorists. Robocop will be dropped off in Baghdad to take up the Iraqi police force. He will train the corps and fight the insurgents within Iraqi cities. Blondie will roam and let him – otherwise he’ll get into a squinting contest and it may last the whole war. We told Blondie, Tuco was on the loose again with some stash worth millions buried inside Iraq. He’ll battle the nomad insurgents while searching for Tuco and his treasure in a glaring Iraqi oasis. Axel Foley will leave for Iran and spy their underground nuclear sites. He’s so damn funny; he’ll need no help from us.
And now you, Rambo, all you have to do is: kill anyone who isn’t an American. We really don’t care about being Mr. Nice Guy anymore – we’ll just put the blame on some stupid teenager who didn’t study in high school and who’s “stuck in Iraq”. The order: body counts and in the thousands! Do I make myself clear?
I know you might be a tad reluctant but this is for America’s freedom and Operation Liberation. We’ll pay top dollar too! Remember Abu Ghraib? Want to go to Guantanamo? Didn’t think so. Just help us get out of this mess, please and Godspeed.
Are you up to the challenge?

Your Buddy,
Rummy