The Turkey Stuffer

Gobble. Gobble. Giggle. Get over here you fat ass. Alright I’ve got to get all twelve of ya in the pen within ten minutes, so if I have to bring out my twelve gauge, then I will do so. Listen up! Stand in one line and no budging – I’m talking to your Earl. Giggle, Giggle. What was that! Thought so. Now Cherry, you’re first, step on the scale. Um, okay, not bad. Cherry: 18 lbs. Lift your wings. Wings: Clean. And legs. Legs: Slight drubbing on left upper leg/thigh. Good luck Cherry, I’ll miss you, go towards gate 2. Next… Charlie, come on down. Earl! Go back and this time at the end of the line. Gurgle, Giggle. Hey Earl, you do that and you’ll end up… yeah keep on walking! Charlie, stop gawking! Charlie: 38 lbs. Wowzers, Charlie. We really fed you and nice job not exercising or socializing. Wings: Juicy. Legs: Thick. Good eats Charlie, through gate 74. Those vets can seek revenge for the damn VC now. Ringo! What are you hiding? Lift that left leg all the way… Ha! That’s right, hand her over. No drumsticks, you never listened. Glad to be with you these last years pal, through gate 64. The McCartney’s will enjoy you over divorce papers. Cindy, Mindy and Sandy… ladies [tips brim of an imaginary hat that would have sat slightly slanted on the right side of his balding head.]. 33, 29, 27 … looking good. Head on over to that flatbed, yeah the red one. Hop in. Giggle, Giggle, Giggle. Yeah, laugh on ladies, I’ll see ya’ll later. Goddamn it Earl, I said the bathroom’s over behind the post! And stop doing it on Harold, he’s a little slow. Britney, honey? Gurgle. No noogies. K-Fed doesn’t deserve that. We have no time for your antics. Glad to see you stopped caring about your physique. Those folks will be sleeping tonight after they tare your breasts apart. gate 26. Earl? Where’s Billy Joel, Donny & Marie? They’ve escaped! They’ll crash in the middle of the night. So that leaves you, Earl. Now’s your time, how long has it been? Gobble. Yeah, Gobble. Step on the scale. Earl: 9 lbs. Ouch, nine pounds after all of these years. What happened, you look horrible. Heck even the Catholic Charities might be reluctant to take you. Gaggle, Gaggle. Hey, Earl don’t weep. I’ve been here for you, haven’t I? Gob… Gob… Gobble. This is when I have to follow orders, though Earl. I don’t like doing this. You know if you’re under 12 pounds and have been here for over 12 years, we have to send you away and not through those gates. Gobble. Gobble. Gobble. I know Earl, Gobble, Gobble, Giggle. Click, Click. Here we go, aim and …