Vegas: More than NCAA Bets

It’s that time of the year: March Madness. The NCAA basketball tournament started Thursday as 64 teams battle it out over the course of three intense weeks. In Las Vegas, and all around the country, they’ve already been fielding bets for this year’s champion. Who will it be? A Cinderella story?

Hold your horses. As it is very unlikely anyone with any expertise will indeed pick the eventual winner, there’s another bet that might just be for sure. Yes, bets are being placed on when and how Vice President Dick Cheney will kick the bucket. As bookie John Almos puts it, “I’m telling people, bet on Cheney. He is a darkhorse, a great candidate to go with. Tons call me up and say, ‘I want Duke or UNC.’ Those aren’t too awful. But I get some crazys who insist they want a number 13 seed Albany or a number 10 seed Creighton. I mean I’m glad. But if they don’t win, they wont bet next year. So I try to sway them towards a more popular choice. This year with the recent near-deaths by VP Cheney, I mean hey, I don’t wish bad luck on anyone—one who swears in Congress, takes corporate handouts, is the reason why we are in Iraq (because he headed Halliburton who is just milking the US citizens) or shoots people in the face without reprimand—but Cheney, not Ohio State, is the pick this season. We bought in a little late and I am mad about that. First his heart problems from a few years ago, to the suicide bombing near him at an Afghani base and then that blood clot. Man I wished we’d thought of this earlier. The longer he stays alive, the better for us. Yet it’s a catch 22: we dispise Cheney and the little guy in my head is in the cheering section screaming, “C’mon blood clot!” So here are our scenarios that you can choose from: Blood clot (too easy, his people’ll get it fixed in no time); “Terror act” (very likely); he gets shot in the face (that’s mine, back off!); he’s knifed to death by his own troops (wishful thinking); his heart or that machine that runs his heart or that machine that runs that machine that runs his heart fails (doubtful, they’ll just add another machine); he realizes his bastardly self and commits suicide (wouldn’t that be assumed); he owns up to his corruptness, goes to jail, gets butt sexed and shanked in the yard (bet on this as a FOX reality show); he grinds his teeth so much they all fall out, he gets dentures, the ridicule kills him (don’t know who thought of this one); a mob of lesbians suffocates him to death with their armput hair (love it!); he slaughters his lesbian daughter’s fetus and consequently gets stoned by some Christian traditionalists (wowzers); in order to one up Newt Gengrich, he has a extramarital affair, a threesome nonetheless, with Ann Coultier and Tucker Carlson, Tucker gets jealous at the love triangle as Coultier makes fun of his all too predictable “look at me” bow tie so Tucker takes his political swords and chops Cheney in half while he is pulling out (man, didn’t we tell him: “Stay the Course”); and lastly Cheney gets captured by Jessica (Abu Gharib Woman), tortured Gitmo style, undressed and paraded naked, photoed and shot (comeupence). So there you go: a lot of entertaining, realistic situations. Bet and bet often, trust me with the way things are going, Cheney’ll win you back some of the money he stole from you.”