Study links Gays to increase in US Economy

Reports done by certain Pro-Economic, Washington think tanks have conjured up a doozy: Gays are the only hope for a booming US economy. Much to the dismay of the Administration and their moral beliefs, they have decided to take a further look at this interesting dilemma.

Bush commented, “I know Gays are wrong, I mean God told me so. He patted me on the butt, kissed me on the cheek and said and I quote, “Gays bad”. And I don’t know how many times cuz he does this on a weekly basis so I know he feels strongly about it. Heck, I don’t even know how to explain it. They are the Devil’s work. Or Al-Qaeda’s secret, ambitious, culturally subversive creation in order to distract the American public and blur its Godly morals. And I do thank Gays for that. I mean they, in some degree, helped me win support amongst my Godly friends. Who wants to hear international policies debated? Shunning gays is like my favorite past time.”

The statistics are mind-numbingly hopeful. Gays don’t have dependents. Slash those education budgets. They are, for the most part, optimistic, unlike lesbians, who hate men, the world and become grumpy to corporate endeavors. Gays liken ski trips to Montana, movies in hip, posh areas and shop at designer stores, “Fabulous!” The report plainly states, “If it weren’t for Gays, the U.S. Economy would be in a slump. Research shows, time and time again, that no one is as freely spending as males are. But getting them to not to have a bitchy spouse who yells in their ear ‘We need to save.’ And voila! They are smart too, they just don’t pay for hookers or baseball cards like their hetero counter parts, they invest. Investment is good. Plus they’ve kept the salon and fashionable men’s clothing merchandisers in business. There's no money in Wrangler jeans and Champion t-shirts! They spend money on their upkeep, no wonder they smell “Fabulous”. Grimey, manly hetero men pick their nose, work for beans, eat nachos out of a microwave box—there’s no room to grow. The amount homosexual men spend is 10 times greater than hetero men. That is very promising to the economy. The future in America has hope. I don’t know where we start but we need pro-Gay camps, not anti-Gay camps.”

The Administration in a press release sounded keen on taking the report’s heed, “America is facing troubling times with the “War on Terror” abroad and with our own border security. Let’s face it the U.S. Economy isn’t getting better any faster; we need help. We know we said Gays are bad before. We need them, really! Call them a necessary evil. So no more kicking them out of your family or giggling at “A” word. “Anal” is all they have, leave em alone already. After conducting extensive research it has come to our attention that Gays of all people should be revered for their pro-spending and pro-investment habits. We are calling for a ban on women’s coin purses. If you see or deal with a woman counting out $4.34 in change, throw it back in her face. Signs will be posted: “5 coins maximum”. No more “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy”, that was “in” and to fill the quota of “we care”. We need full man on man porn courtesy of your channel 5 news, like an after hours station with full, hardcore bumping, grinding, slapping, I can go on… biceps, hair strewn, balls dangling—they must be shaved though! We need to be more like Gays. We need nights out on the town. More men thinking they have shots with Ms. Hottie State so they buy diamonds and flowers and chocolates. Can we be any more clearer?”