It's 7:48

And I ain’t ready yet. My hair’s still damp! Pants… left leg. Right leg… right leg… right… leg. Ah, it’s only a scratch. Okay, it may be officially bleeding but no worries. Damn, I always run late for dates. Well, if she’s late, then I can be late too, right? She said she’d be here at 7:30. 7:51. Okay Marc, looking good, flex, yeah ugh. Pose. To the left, to the left. Let’s see those abs. Left, rotate, rotate. Wait, they’re there, let me flip sides, bend a little so the light hits at the right angle—ah ha! Okay, okaaaay! That Scrappy came from nowhere. Ryan, here I come. Dude, Ryan’s a dude’s name? I know, it freaked me out when I releaized I liked a girl named Ryan. Are you sure? Yes, shit. Are you? What? I haven’t been on one of these things for 6 months so at this point I’ll take a chance on this ubiquitiously named woman. And she’s got some tits, so boo-ya! Oldest trick in the book dude, she, er, he could be taking estrogen pills. Fuck you. Why am I even regarding your comments? “Hey, what did the Dick say to the Bush? Don’t know? Make love not war?” Stupid!!! You’re a fucking idiot. Don’t say that. Women don’t like vulgar jokes and that joke was terrible. Yeah, I didn’t even laugh when I heard that too, I just need a joke, you know to show her I’m funny. But you aren’t funny. So. I need to put on my pants. Belt, no belt? Belt. You aren’t chilling with the homies? Indecisive jackass. Alright, alright, I’m almost ready. 7:56. Ah, crap. I’m going to miss the Twins game. Loser! But Santana’s pitching. “But Santana’s pitching”, what are you 12. You are. No shame, I know that, I’m your mind. It’s a must that I act younger at times. And stop expecting me to be wise damnit, it’s not like minds are supposed to be older than you are. Where do people get that? Damn, that’s the doorbell! Aren’t dudes supposed to pick up the lady? My car’s in the shop, duh! Correction: your mom’s car is in the shop. But good thinking, lie to her. If there’s one thing that goes over well on first dates, it’s not saying much truthful at all. Dude, what the fuck do you know, you’re my mind? Yeah, but you’ve done that before, I remember those moments very well. And the result is well, a no answer. Dude, they were busy with school and work. Surrrrre. This one’s different. How? Oh, wait I know: she doesn’t work or go to school! Tard, you’re dating a tard! She’s intellectual. Don’t leave her waiting. Oh, yeah, good looking fam. NO RAPPER TALK! You brush your teeth? “Hi, hey, how’s it going? Good, good.” Yeah. Let me check. Cough, cough. “Oh, that’s fine, I was just getting ready too.” You didn’t brush your teeth. Yes I did, now shut up! Ha, nah mane, you better shut up—be spitting shit in that girls face. Dude it’s not that bad—“Yeah, we should get going.” Smells like whiskey and pork rinds! “Cute Spongebob Squarepants band aid.” Aw, she now she thinks you’re a little kid or one of those cunt rags who’s 24 and watches cartoon network and shit. Cunt rag! I’ll tell her that it’s my little brother’s band aid pack. She’s going to believe that? She’ll believe anything! I love when we can agree on things.