T-Pain and Sex

T-Pain is an R&B artist, or so he claims. He markets to women, hopefully (no homo). The topic of sex then is a reoccurring theme, if not the only one. One look at T-Pain and one doesn’t think Black Zeus, right? Look at Usher, Omarion, Lloyd and R. Kelly—they’re all sexy. You can imagine them crooning on and on and regardless of gender, and you still liking it. Even Wanya Morris had a teddy bear quality to him; he fits that "aww, he’s cute" mold. But T-Pain and sex go together like a slow speed boat. You don’t want to hear an ugly motherfucka talk about sex or take off his shirt and gyrate his hips. Yet T-Pain never got the message. Suffice to say T-Pain’s thoughts on sex only point to one thing: inexperience. Or, he just preys on 16 year old girls. Or, or... he's just what we all hate to admit: honest.

Like my previous post, I reiterate T-Pain's ongoing appeal, his every man's qualities are not so much inspiring but reassuring. They reassure regular men of how simple gestures towards the opposite sex can be. When other smooth criminals such as Ginuwine or Lloyd enter the fray, we immediately feel that we are not worthy; we not only need the looks but the skills to properly caress a woman. T-Pain's antics provide us mobility.

I read an article about how the current cinema, and the Romantic Comedy (RomCo for short) genre, is changing. The author argued that Judd Apatow's past two movies, 40 Year Old Virgin and Knocked Up, demonstrate how regular men, men that are losers, can compete. Quite frankly, this argument is also for T-Pain. He looks like a venomous tarantula, like he wants to stick his dirty appendages and paws into some unsuspecting woman without her consent. His lyrical content consists of sorry ass maneuvers towards the opposite sex; he throws out clichéd techniques of attracting females; and he can be grossly vulgar or even misinformed of the pleasantries of courtship. However, he is very realistic in his attempts to woo women. As funny and tasteless as they may seem, they work for the song and in real life. When Boyz II Men get down on bended knee you really wonder if these manly moves are overdone. Does that shit really work? He uses his every man motif and swagger and puts it into practice. He gives us hope; I am not ashamed anymore to nut on a woman's stomach.

On "Tipsy" T-Pain says what all of us have ever felt, even women: "I ain’t tryna to get you drunk, I'm just tryna get you tipsy." Even if it’s in the back of your mind, this is the model situation every night out (respectable people can tune out now). We don't want you unconscious but definitely uninhibited. It's that crafty middle ground that we seek. Alcohol, for as many lives it has taken, has created so many more and T-Pain reminds us of how "just a sip of this" can broker so many more women than with the use of dignity. When he utters "I know you ain’t feelin me…" his confident lack of confidence plays up his peaceful presence; he tells women he’s not a predator. And then he slides her drinks until he looks like ball player. This dude should write a book!

T-Pain uses "Buy You a Drank", a beginner’s pick up line, to pick up a woman. His approach and intent is much like "Tipsy": he wants to get you drunk and in his hands. "Let’s get drunk and forget what we did" is such a classic line. If I could only be so honest! And "Talk to me, I talk back"? He boils down after hours chatting to formalities. We can’t just fuck these women; we have to attempt to ask for their names. "Aww, snap… you can do it all by yourself" is so subtle as a hook it comes across as a subliminal message. Even though it’s meant for dancing, T-Pain is telling you if you can dance, by way of T-Pain’s steps that is, then you can take home a woman regardless of your terrible unattractiveness.

In hopes of winning over an actual "Bartender", and on the rebound, T-Pain gets all gushy over a wink. She made him drinks so he thinks that she thinks he’s cool. His reasoning is really fucked up but he’s just been burned so it’s understandable. And she’s the only hot bitch out of 200 women in the club? Damn, T-Pain, you picky! The continued use of alcohol in his songs reassures us of its crucial importance in functioning with the opposite sex. I mean without any drinks, most of us would just stand there, right? I guess whatever makes you feel better works, even if you misinterpret signals. If T-Pain doesn't know it, the bartender just wants more Lincolns.

As mentioned before "Yo Stomach" is a refreshingly sexy song. What a body part to talk about!?! "Yo Stomach" is the epitome of T-Pain. Yeah, it can come across as corny but I bet women would welcome such fresh energy. Plus extra regular dudes probably spend time strategizing new ways to add spice to their 8-bit girlfriends—yeah you, you self proclaimed sex addicts! Concentrating on such an underrated area on a woman’s body opens up new possibilities for the future… "Girl you got some forearms!" Watch you make that comment next time you’re out.

It is refreshing to know I have someone to speak to me about the opposite sex, someone who really knows and feels my dilemmas. His every man vibe is a badge of honor. Purple Heart anyone? He has already saved so many scared and struggling youth from the burdens of the opposite sex…