Cingular’s New Ring Tone: Allah, Ahkbar!

The cell phone company released this new, controversial religious ring tone weeks ago and has profited ten fold. Cingular has been scolded by many people around the globe and the American and British governments. But Muslims with Cingular service have swooned. They rejoice everywhere. While standing in line at a bank, all of a sudden you hear terror, “Allah, Allah Ahkbar!” You think you’re going to die, as you turn around and imagine some crazy Muslim open his chest and obliterate us all. But in reality your heart is pumping like crazy and you recover. The Muslim looking man opens his cell phone and commences loud, slangy Arabic.
The White House is putting pressure on Cingular Wireless to pull this offensive and possibly dangerous ring tone. A Homeland Security correspondent shouts, “How dare they! Do they know what they are doing?! This is grossly dangerous. This will lead to terrors upon innocent Americans and we cannot stop it?! To HELL with that! I will slit the throats of any Muslim people who have such a ring tone. I don’t care if they’re innocent. Those words only mean one thing to me – TERROR! I mean the police will shoot them anyways if they hear that. That’s what I’m trying to get passed. Can you hear me now! [He points a gun at me and pulls it away jokingly.] I bet you can!”
Mohamed Mohammed Al-Shaak is saddened by the epitaphs and death threats he’s received with his new ring tone, “I only wish peace. America’s a free country. I happen to be a proud Muslim, who is an American. Why can’t I display my faith through the customization of my phone? It only alarms me that ‘God, Allah, Is Great!’ and that is all. I say baloney to those claims that I am giving terror a good name. I am not a martyr and do not wish to be! [A sudden interruption occurred as he reached for his shirt pocket, “Allah, Allah, Ahkabar!” – Alas his cell phone was ringing and he bid good day to me. I ran to the bathroom in terror. I washed my sweating face and cleaned my underwear – I had soiled myself.]
Mike Merica, part of the creative department in charge of Cingular’s money making inventions, created this ring tone and expounded, “It creates a sense terror for some, and for others it proudly displays their faith. As an American though, I have to uphold our rights first and foremost; it is a pleasure for me to hear those rings. Rings of Freedom I call it. I am not immune though, as I do get alarmed from time to time. Piss stains line my numerous Hanes boxers at home. It’s odd too because why should I be scared of my own invention? I urge everyone Muslim to proudly display their faith, even if they are gunned down. Lastly, being a part of an American company, I am proud to be the benefactor of such controversy. Ha! [“Allah, Allah, Ahkbar!”] My phone’s ringing.” Unfortunately, Merica and I were eating at a New York restaurant and immediately after his cell phone rang, he was shot in the head by an undercover policeman and taken away shortly thereafter. Ring, Ring? It’s your rights calling. Better not answer if you want to live.