Fidel It's Your Birthday

Happy Birthday Fidel. The beleaguered hoot turns 80 today, while he recuperates from an intestinal bleeding ailment. He plans to give a speech on his perilous journey through the land of the dead and his miraculous, triumphant return to the here and now. Castro whispered, exasperatingly, “When my stay here is done, I will speak to mother Cuba for many hours. I will impart my new found knowledge to the kids of the Cuban future. They will only cheer and kiss my cheek in return.” Castro went on to give us a preview while the expertly trained doctors performed surgery. He claimed to have traversed the underworld, batting away the likes of his heyday. “I saw JFK, and we began to have a chat. All of a sudden he attacked me and I raised my fist and said in my godly, angelic voice, ‘Not again John!’ I smacked him with the bible and told him the Pope had sex with Mother Teresa; naturally he ran away crying into the fires of hell.”
Raul Raul, an artist, has been commissioned by the government to detail Castro’s journey into a superhero series of comics. He met with us at an undisclosed location and said the comics were made up and wanted out with us back to Europe when we left. “I want to defect because the illustrious Castro wanted to be a mixture of Wonder Woman and the Cuban version of Captain America. I told them that that was preposterous and now they want my head. I suggested Zoro, you know a man for the people. I guess Zoro's tights were not appealing. ” It is believed that the evil bad guy in the series, G.I. Joe, Cobra Commander, was created after Castro.
Castro ranted on about people he saw such as Ronald Reagan who had become a transsexual coke whore, “I didn’t want to bother him … ah it! He was busy.” Laughing so hard about this he almost screwed up the doctors in his own operation. “I will never die and when I do my spirit will never either. Cuba is a model for everyone. I have stood the testament of time against the evils of capitalism and of the West. I have fought for the little man all my life and that is why Danny DeVito has recently defected to Cuba citing concerns of discrimination in his native land. I kicked out Batista, that dick sucking inFIDEL! I kicked the U.S. I made love with Gorbachev. I helped fight the Contra attacks in the 80s, along with the American Empire. Those Americants tried to take over the Americas and now they will be taken over. Cuba has no love for You.”
As a reporter sensing the realities of present day Cuba, I argued with the great Fidel even with the fear of a beheading, “But Fidel, Cuba isn’t in the best of shape, you’ve oppressed many people’s rights and people want a democracy – at least some semblance of rule without your ever present hand.” In response Castro burst out in laughter. He began the unimaginable, a candid song. He crooned Everyday I’m Oppressing, a knock-off freestyle over the hottest rap song on radio in the U.S. the past few months (coincidently it’s from a Miami rapper). His eyes became bright when the chorus came and repeated it gleefully.
For his next 80 years in life, “I will continue to run the prosperous Cuba far into the 21st century. I will return when the world ends, descending from the heavens.” Castro lit his cigar and puffed once. Pausing for a second he thought, “You know I’d like to tell you something…” A lengthy lecture it was, as he rambled on through various topics. He was interesting at times and brought up solutions to world problems (AIDS patients – “shoot ‘em”; Americans – “shoot ‘em”; poverty stricken kids – “shoot ‘em”). His guards held me there at gun point, even for potty breaks! Incensed, entranced or converted I shouted ‘Fidel is Great!’ He talked forever. Forever was too long. Forever, it seemed, killed me.