Words You Won’t Hear taken from Mel Gibson’s Stenographer

(Mel Gibson, screaming down the streets in his car) WHOO! What a feeling, boom, boom. Keep Believing, boom, boom. Oh, Oh, Oh… Push it to the limit, Push it to the limit. I love this song. I should have put it in one of the Lethal Weapons. (Sirens Sound) Oh, crap, not again. (Narrative) Mel’s Mercedes Benz is pulled over. The policeman steps to his window. (Policeman) Holy Shit, well, I’ll be. If it ain’t Mel Gibson! I loved you in … (Mel) Apocalypto! (Policeman) Acopoco what? (Mel) My new movie, the epic, Apocalypto! No Jews have touched it. (Policeman) Slow down there Mel. (Mel) Officer, please, I just want to get back to my holy sanctuaries with my 7 kids. I was thrown off by some Jews tailing me. I swear officer, on Jesus Christ’s version of the Passions grave, some Jews are out to get me. (Policeman) Now hold Mel, what you been drinking tonight? You were driving like that Mad Max sonamabitch (Mel) Nothing sir, just had some boxed wine over at the prayer meeting I just came from. (Policeman) Prayer meeting? At this time of night? (Mel) Yeah, my buddies, we all got together, and you know when you’ve drunk 2 boxed wines you get going. They provoked me to do some scenes from Hamlet. SO I couldn’t resist. (Policeman) Gee, Mel why wasn’t I invited? Hey, I am smelling something else, Mel? (Mel) It’s complicated James. Oh, yeah, you want tequila? Just don’t drink all of it, I still need some more! (Policeman) Well, Mel, you’s a Maverick, I tell ya. Every time I stop you, you’ve something new for me. (Mel) Oh, no the Paparzzis are here! (Policeman) Mel, get back in the car, ya hear? (Mel) Hey, I didn’t do it! Jews! Jews and Apocalypto! Apocalypto! (Policeman) Mel, please settle down or else? (Mel) Or else what? You’ll take me for Ransom? Ha, I laugh at you. Apocalypto! (Policeman) What are you chanting, Mel? Stop it! (Mel) This is Payback, James, for those other times you’ve arrested me! (Policeman) Mel! C’mon you’re always drunk and on a tirade! After Braveheart, you imbibed and pranced around Sunset, lifting your Scottish dress to passersby. Hell, remember before and after What Women Want? You flashed women incessantly before you were apprehended. You claimed to know What Women Want. Such baloney, Mel! (Mel) Hey but I do know What Women Want, and that’s me – a rich, conservative catholic! (TV correspondent) We are live on the air, here at the scene of another of Mel Gibson’s rant… (Mel) Apocalypto, Apocalypto, Apocalypto! I’ve got a Sign for you America (displays middle finger) (TV correspondent) What’s all the commotion, Mel? (Mel) I’ve got this Conspiracy Theory and it doesn’t involve Julia Roberts. The Jews are behind everything: the wars, my sexual malfunctions, Catholicism and even me drinking! It’s terrible I tell you. Boo Jews! (TV Correspondent) Mel, why all the angst and hate? (Mel) Because they are the root of all of everyone’s problems! (TV Correspondent) Mel? (Mel, crying) Okay, well, my lawyer’s a Jew and he’s good. I love him until death. (pauses and stumbles)This Jewish girl in college, well she burnt me and and… (TV correspondent) Well, there you have it folks, Mel’s been mad at Jews ever since he got ghonorrea. Such a Patriot. (Mel) That’s what I said, Apocalypto! (Resident) Shut the fuck up! If I hear Apoclypse one more time, Mel, I’ll shit on you! (Mel) Everybody, in a line! Shout Apocalypto repeatedly and follow my lead. Apocalypto! (TV correspondent) I’m Sandy… Oh, I’ve gotta go, the Apocalypto conga line is coming my way. Apocalypto! (Everyone at the scene of the crime for until dawn, in unison, chanting up and down the street) A-poc-al-ypto!