What's Happenin'

Make Me Feel Good
A few weeks ago President Bush massaged the German P.M.’s back for a few seconds, until he hit a nerve. She pushed him away. Why? Don’t we all deserve something from Bush. I am demanding that Bush owes all of us a back rub. I would not turn him down or shrug him aside. Conversely, I would not scratch his back. All I owe him is my 2 cents. He owes me and any other willing participant an hour at least for all the damn stress he’s caused us plain folk. If you make me feel good Bush, I might, I just might forget what you’ve done!

Mark Wahlberg, You Had Me at Good Vibrations
He’s staring in a new movie about Joe Blow, a car repairman. It’s a feel good story as he makes his way to the NFL. Hmmm, a 30 year old attempting to play with the big boys? You just wanna get to the locker room, you devil, you! I’m already picking up what you’re laying dawn Mark. My namesake, you disgrace me. I’ve had enough of Marky Mark! I sat idly through your horrible career keeping my feelings to myself. You built me up so much with your rap career and now you’ve hit rock bottom. ‘Tis a shame. What happened? Did Donnie beat you up again. You had great potential. Besides 3 Kings and I Heart Huckabees I was left to dreamless nights. Roles, Roles, Roles! A CGI laden fisherman? (Perfect Strom) Yeah! A loser who preys and fingers little girls on roller coasters? (Fear) ICK! Hell, you probably came up with the idea to get some. An 80’s rocker? (Rock Star) Fun-ny. Choosing the bunk Jackie Chan, Chow Yun Fat? (Corruptor) Nice move, Cheap ASS! Lou Diamond Philips, your sidekick? (Big Hit) Did you want to be taken seriously? A int’l heist movie in a Mini Cooper? (Italian Job) I’d rather had a hand job from a fat Italian mama! Having black brothers while you’re white? (4 Brothers) Yo! That ain’t cool! Retaking a world of apes? (Planet Apes) Bananas! A 12 inch, clay penis you still use to impress women today? (Boogie Nights) HOT! Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch – You’re Dead to Me!!! Go smoke crack again in Boston until you’re ready to please me!!

Coked Starlets
Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff, tween stars turned into glitz & glamour moguls are going to be on the A&E intervention show this coming fall for their closet coke habits. They’ve been brought in by none other than the Olsen twins. Mary-Kate, speaking on snitching, “ ‘I was like, Hil? You’re skinnier than me!’, and I know skinny. Hil wasn’t “I don’t eat and barf skinny.” She was coke-whorish skinny – like you see on the streets.” Ashley grew annoyed and angered when her Gucci hand towels were blood red after Lohan stayed over one night, “I go in the next morning and like my towels are ruined! Ahh! I was like ‘Loha what’s the deal? You need help! My sheets are ruined and you’re at fault.’ So I took her coke away and sent a request in. “Yeah, when I met Joel (Madden, of rock band, Good Charlette) I was scared for her. I didn’t know she was part of the dark side.” Hilary Duff finally agreed to intervention, ending a violent standoff (Hilary fell numerous times after throwing a temper tantrum), after she was told she couldn’t broker a deal for going into intervention: a coke buffet the night before rehab. Some footage, allegedly, was re-worked because all four of the participants could not be seen; their skeletorish figures were almost invisible. The show was also delayed and held up in a lawsuit because the tape footage caught certain would-be guests who wanted to remain anyonmous. Most notably was talk show host David Letterman caught at a New York party with Loha. He did his famous top ten, and then haggled over the trade of coke to Loha for sexual favors. On top of this, Loha received he coke only if Letterman’s regular Biff performed orally on Loha. Loha didn’t mind; she was love struck. She would color on Biff’s head and commence coke lines. Lastly there are parental issues with the debut as graphic content is at a premium: bloody noses, cat fights, vomiting, binge eating and extreme slutiness. In a great preview commercial for the show Mary-Kate screams to all of them sitting on the coach, “And I thought the Olsen Twins were troubled!” shaking Loha and slapping Hil. The skinny on coked hotties: Awesome, if you’re Biff.

MTV turns 25
MTV has changed my life in so many ways. Not such a good statement to admit but it has introduced me to music and a boon of “reality shows” throughout the last 15 years of my life. Until the last few years I would have been proud to root for MTV. But now as a merger and a conglomerate corporation, I’m not so enthused. Plus the try to make me believe all these “reality shows”, real worlds and dating shindigs are real and I’m just not buying it anymore. Why call yourself a music television show when you don’t show music videos? Besides with TRL I get nothing and TRL is TRL: a music propaganda show laden with pretty puppets and dazzling colors and 20 second snippets of what I came to watch. More Music, More Beavis & Butthead and More Grind! Shame on you MTV – BOO You Whore!

Nick Latchkey and Vanessa Minillo Dating
Ick, Vanessa! Can’t do any better? Guess not. Latchkey already deflowered one beaut, but please V, not another one. I’m tired of seeing Filipinos wasted on dainty, rough necked boys. Don’t let him touch you. You have all you need of Nicky Latchkey: a 98 degrees album. It wont get you hot but it will bother you. Do you really want to be seen with his honky dory bro, Drew too? Imagining Latchkey parading you around not in sexy lengaire, but in athletics gear only from the bookstore at the University of Cincinnati is frightening. He can’t sing either – heck he don’t melt me at all. His creepy 5 o’clock shadow aint hot either. What’s Left of Nick? A barbed wire tattoo and a tight t-shirt and sadly, a beautiful babe wooed by a sob story.