Threat Levels Decrease for Pink to Army Green

Late last weekend, John Legend was spotted by the paparazzi at the infamous, straight nightclub Zen off Sunset in L.A. Zen is a known straight bar/nightclub full of hetero, lustful patrons who perform tamed, teasing orgies from dusk until dawn. So the rumors of Legend being gay are now found not to be true, as the immense number of the National Inquirer’s pictures have been taken grossly out of context. Apparently that guy he was having lunch with was his lawyer – young, sprucely dressed, hot and black. And that other man he was spotted with in the islands of St. Thomas was his brother. Brothers give oily back rubs! And apparently that photo of that burly man who was spotted kneeling in an alley was just tailoring his $3500 tattered pair of jeans.

E! gossip news anchor, Guliana DePandi was stunned, “Oh, my god! I mean straight! Extra, Extra indeed. Who would have thunk it? Must have been all those evil, skinny, big breasted models who lead him astray. I so thought when Kanye West denounced rappers, including himself, for having negative feelings for gays and expressing that through hateful words, because he had just realized his G.O.O.D. friend and crew mate, Legend, was gay. I guess not. He must have meant it. Legend had been on our gaydars for so long that we eventually accepted his gayness as a fact. But now this throws us off kilter.”

Apparently Legend has been spotted with the mighty fine vixen, Terry Mason. They met through, of all people, Legend’s great jam session buddy, Prince, according to Legend’s publicist.

Cam Tacill, a closet Legend fan, wrote a letter recently to the Times, “Something about Legend and his smooth voice gently masquerading over his soft fingers, stroking those 5 inch, ivory notes makes me all mushy inside. That’s why I fell in love with him and his beautiful music. But when I’d heard he was gay – with another man – I was outraged. My way of life was threatened. I could not say I was Legend fan, people might accuse me of you know what. Threat levels were at an illustrious high. And then, thankfully, the news broke. My palpitating heart quieted and now Legend posters plaster my walls and his music is all over my iPod. I can openly associate John Legend with Cam all the more! [Cam belts] John is sooo soulful, he’s sooo straight!”