In Jeopardy

Alex Trebek, host of Jeopardy, was displaced this week by a coup d’etat of Republican think tanks. John Ashcroft, former Bush Administration crony and now interim Jeopardy host described Trebek’s tyrannical run, “He definitely was running amuck lately. He could not stop his game show infested lies. He slowly leaked information and facts that we, the American government, do not want people to hear.” Ashcroft, now back on the scene, offers what’s next, “We’re going back to the basics. From now on, there’ll only be Celebrity Jeopardy – all sponsored; no history, no science, none of that anarchist nonsense. We will Christianize Jeopardy! Hero Andrew Jackson, Freedom Granter George Bush, God’s creations, I.D. theories, Abstinence positions (excluding soft petting), American Communists (Michael Moore, Sean Penn), Osama bin Laden and the 7 Mullahs, Media Conglomerates, etc.”

The breaking point was two weeks ago when Trebek, the show’s creative producer, began to leak “questionable” material. One category was Terrorism and its questions ran as such for 200 400 600 800 1000. These were the questions: This nation terrorized Nicaragua. This country’s agency was responsible for muddling the current world’s construct. This economy is the top contributor to Global Warming. This born-again was born in this born again nation. This army holds bases in 143 countries around the globe. All the answers were, Who is America? The contestants were startled and didn’t feel like uttering the answer, even though he knew it said Greg Fizer, “Trebek laced this rant with some bully force. I mean, it didn’t want to admit that America had done all these things, let alone on a game show—the essence of Freedom. But to win the prize money I had to be a Benedict Arnold for a while. I’m sorry.”

Trebek, lounging in a 5-star Quebec hotel while staying for political asylum sipped on some Russo vodka and stroked a Cuban cigar, “Those filthy fucking Americans. I don’t know why I gave up my Canadian citizenship. This is just ridiculous! They, that Administration, want to extradite me back to the U.S. and try me for treason. I hear they have a price on my head too.”

Trebek and his new found spare time are investing efforts into a Canadian version of Jeopardy but television companies are balking as one unnamed exec states, “Trebeky yeah, he’s gone haywire! I don’t know what’s he’s thinking of next. He thinks just because he knows everything he has the right to expose everybody. Wrong! He’s a geek turned prude who’s acting for sake of attention. I’d like to see him on his own show, let’s see if he’d guess right without his trust cheat sheet cards in front of him.”