Johnny Appleseed the Trail Blazer

“Yeah, the Gay Trail Blazer!” The Church of St. Joseph, in Boston, has compiled research that finds the guilt, not the Devil’s doing, yet in Mr. Appleseed’s hands, er, seeds. Head Deist, Archibald Crane vehemently charged, “Not only did this gallivanting pioneer plant apple seeds everywhere; he also planted the gay seeds. We call it the Gay Bug. If it weren’t for Mr. Appleseed and his liberal agenda of spreading love across the lands in form of rainbows, we wouldn’t have this problem. I know Africans withheld AIDS, but Gays have kept STDs alive due to their inherent evilness. They intend to jubilantly fornicate like rabbits until all of humanity has one STD or is dying! I know I molest kids, but that’s in a whole ‘nother ring of Heaven. Little 8 year old Joey won’t tell though, I’ve transformed him into a good Catholic – like all the rest! Currently, God has decreed Washington corruptionists in a slightly higher ring than Catholic Church molesters. For shame. See gays are entirely different and worse than molesters. I am not gay, while gays are gay. They’ve got a one way ticket to Hell! Had Mr. Appleseed not committed such tomfoolery, we, God’s creatures, would have been spared of these on going gay debates.” Mr. Crane began to get off topic and sound redundant. I don’t know where the whole “I’m a molester” thing came from. I wasn’t attacking him, yet it seems he decided to come clean. He continued, “He must have been some mad scientist out for vengeance. Had he known what he’d done to us heteros, he’d have regretted every gay seed he planted. I mean he’s tormented so many young men and turned them gay. And they’ve come to destroy us. Can’t I just live in peace molesting 6 and 7 year old boys!” Things turned worse, “Give me some credit. Evidence has shown that Mr. Appleseed took my spotlight, I turned some of these kids gay. Don’t I get any credit? God surly didn’t create gays. He must have sent a messenger, one of us, some of us to do the deed. I think I was sent here to inspire such wrongness. It is my greatest sin, my fallacy. I can’t take it anymore! This interview is over.”