Dr. Love On The Mic

So You’ve Just Had Sex Without a Condom…
What to do? Well, I have a few options for you. First things first (esp. if this is a one night ditty), an alias: this name has to throw her off. Names that are standard such as John, Luke or Matt are a great place to start. Caesar, JJ Ryder – No Good! The best names are when your first name is a last name and your last name is a first name. Try Anderson Cooper – it will boggle their mind. The first option that comes to mind is that you’re both drunk, so you’ll sleep and leave early the next morning and it will be forgotten. Hmm? The subtle approach doesn’t work – you’ve got to do something drastic. You will soon be found out and all hell will break loose. My second option for you is a decision you’ll have to make yourself depending on your ethics. You can either wait until she falls asleep and then run or you can just plain run the hell out of there. If you can run fast and maybe to another state, this may be your best bet. On the flip side this can cause alarm right away: she thinks something is wrong and then remembers you. Running also is not taken lightly by our society. Labels will hang around your head instead of a halo. LAME DICK! HOBO! PEASENT! RAT BASTARD! Etc., will be yelled when you are present. Trust me on this one, you should wait until she passes out and then, vamoose (by waiting patiently, she’ll forget who stuck it to her in the wee hours of that morning). If you’re desperate, you’ll partake in the worst option: marrying the chick. After sleeping over, you profess your love that next morning. From there, off you’ll go to elope in Vegas. Divorce, 74% of the time, happens within approximately 17 months. Your woman is pregnant again, the diaper bills are going through the roof and, in haste, you exquisitely parlay your 2 years of college into a security position at the mall. In despair, you’ll pick up smoking Camels and drinking cheap whiskey. However, clever fellows will do the honorable thing: ask her father’s hand in marriage. Please note this should only be done if you are witty and have woken up next to a hottie (if not, abort immediately). Date her for a few months and around your year anniversary pop the question. From there, it’s smooth sailing. A popular option, though it is rarely executed properly, is to come up with an alibi when she claims that the kid is yours. Many want to try their hand eluding the CSI stars, but folks that does not work. You will get caught in your own web of lies and you will look extremely foolish doing so, just ask Scott Peterson. A messy option if she decides to harass you: Abortion, hanger style! You’ve got to be a salesman to pull this one off otherwise you’ll be flogged. My last option for you is if cannot think of anything: punch her in the womb, right where it hurts. Caution this punch cannot be a twap, it must be an Ali powered jab; a swift, packed message. She will be in a drunken stupor anyways so the punch will throw her into a daze. This by far is the most successful option, mind you, as it gets the job done quickly so you will not have this rattling in your mind for days. Good luck in your endeavors.