Spitting Obese Techniques: An Urgent Message from Rick Moranis

In these troubled times with war, governmental control and gas prices, all of us Americans are anxious. So we do what we do best: EAT! There are damn near hundreds of diets, new exercise equipments (please post Gazelle & Dick Enrico ads here) and an onslaught of crippling diseases caused by ingesting horrible foods yet we are not phased. We continue to consume like behemoths as if the world was ending (it actually is (thanks to Al Gore) and don’t wait for Jesus to save your sorry soul, you fat slob). I’ve been fighting this issue for 22 years. This is past serious and if we don’t stop this will have fatal implications. It started when I embarrassingly had to buy an extra seat on a plane for my portly, 8 years old son. He weighed 149 lbs at the time. Unfortunately, he passed away three years later. I found him at the tube with ankle weights, watching a Richard Simmons jazzercise video. Hunched over, he o’ded on Doritos and Klondike Bars. He tried, Lord! Why! Those Eskimos must be rolling in their igloo graves. I’ve fought nasty battles throughout the years, especially with childhood obesity and have lobbied incessantly. I decided a grand plan: I would market a movie to warn Americans of their perilous habits. My movie, Honey I Blew up the Kids, was delayed. When it eventually came out it was a well timed, documented story that brought up this burning issue. It clearly stated how we've gotten out of control and have blown are kids up. It was my belief to bring it out as a family fun movie so droves of faithful Americans would come, watch and subconsciously learn. I don't know if all of them heeded my advice, but that was my intended message. Oddly enough, in order to make my movie, Blew Up, I had to first make the food and exercise industries’ movie, ironically titled: Honey I Shrunk the Kids. I was furious as you can imagine with this lie and manipulation by the damn companies. After making Blew Up, I ran out of steam. Years passed, I ate and nothing. Action should have been taken. We’ve got fat wallets, phat cars and even fatter fingers. I’ve been thrown back into to fire by recent reports of cell phone companies getting sued for not having bigger dial buttons, as fatter kids are relegated to smashing the dial pad to call friends. I have posistioned myself accordingly to defend the fat children of America. The kids are ashamed, yet we litter their cartoon ads with unhealthy foods. Now we know a little better, so I should see all the flabby arms wailing in distress and all those double, turkey neck chins flapping hysterically, in a call for change. Ask questions people! Don’t just sit there and literarily, get shit tossed down your throat. We need a change, and you especially need to change; start with your clothes (you’re beginning to sweat profusely and I smell a mixture of hot dogs have that sat out too long combined with gooey, stale cinnamon buns). Run, fatty, run! Don’t eat fast food! It is not a good thing when your behind can make an ass grove in a chair/couch. Be the change you wish to see - no one is going to help you (they'd rather rain humliations upon what's left of your self esteem!) Don't Eat Back, Fight Back!