MacGyver's A Terrorist?

The wickedly resourceful MacGyver, the real life Richard Dean Anderson, was arrested early Thursday morning by Homeland Security agents. He is believed to been the main suspect in the recent foiled terror plots against the U.S. However, there is no hard evidence against MacGyver, but he was extremely vocal about his tactics in “making America pay.”
MacGyver vividly described how he made liquid bombs; he used binoculars and then welded the aluminum from a coke can via the friction of his hairy thighs. Authorities were perplexed to hear of such a story. He had planned to leave the explosive devices on commercial flights within the U.S. and then board another plane and do the same, multiple times until flights were canceled. When he was arrested, authorities found his television show on, on the highest volume level. They found receipts from Radio Shack for hi-tech binoculars. Also Rogaine, leg hair synthesizer pills were spotted in the course of the ransacking. Chief Homeland Security officer, Danny Dagen, even remembered laughing when Anderson came in and told his story, “I was pleasantly surprised when MacGyver came in the other day. I was a big fan. I told him to go home and pleaded him for an autograph. He wouldn’t oblige. He was insistent and because he did not corporate with the giving of his autographs we were forced to get physical and arrest him.”
Reasons are not yet known for his questionable story but Anderson is believed to be acting out because as he claims, “The networks are not putting out my old show on syndication. I am not getting the deal I am supposed to get. They are short changing me. I need money. They told me to use my ‘MacGyver skills’ to make money. Well, I’d be the first to tell you I don’t use my “MacGyver skills” for bad. Although now, I am being forced to! That’s why I am threatening everyone that I am behind the terror plots. Those Muslims don’t have MacGyver’s skills; they cannot make bombs out of liquids. That’s preposterous – they stole the ideas from me. I planned these attacks first.”
Anderson would not back down on his story and is now in a temporary holding facility, waiting for a permanent residence. Dagen miffed at the possibility of jailing an American hero, “I don’t want to do it. We’d sit around television, me and my dorm buddies, and tune into MacGyver every weekend. We’d even go so far as to mimic his expert devices. Trust me, there’s only one MacGyver for a reason.”
Anderson was sent down to Guantanamo Bay yesterday, but escaped sometime last night. Guards gave him his meal, a pencil and a rolodex. He bore a hole through the cell’s wall and is thought to be among the Cubans at this point. News got to President Bush and the terror level is now raised to RED. Bush chimed in, “I could not even begin to describe the devestational feelings regarding the forced capture of an American hero. I can’t even come up with phony charges on this man. But it’s like MacGyver applied an Indian burn to America and I just can’t stand for that – those hurt. So we must stop this man immediately. Today has been the worst day in America since Britney Spears got knocked up. I mean, all of us knew he had a chance. I prayed e’ry night. Catching MacGyver will be hard and take amazing intelligence and money. We need clever, witty inventors, like George Foreman and I think we’ll call Bill Nye the Science Guy to help out as a code breaker. The War on MacGyver will be won!”