MySpace Episode 1: A Kiss Is Just a Kiss or How I Didn’t Make Friends with Iran’s President Ahmadinejad

With all the recent hype over Mr. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran’s smiley faced president, I decided to make friends with the prez, who Bush yelps, “The Axis evil.” Was Mr. Ahmadinejad an evil doer? I don’t want to judge until I really know him, right? Like, what’s the best way to get to know him from across the world? Ah, yes, MySpace, the social network that is a must have. Seriously, folks, if you don’t have a MySpace page, you are not human. I don’t care if you’re retarded, old or computer retarded, there is no excuse; to frolic in the most interconnected highway is a civic duty. You can tell the whole world your favorite movie, speak on last night’s drunken excursions with friends or show pictures of the man posing in your vestibule that would later fuck your brains out and pass on herpes in return.
So I desperately wanted to get to know what Mr. Ahmadinejad did on a daily basis. All I hear is nuclear this, evil doer that! He’s more complex than that isn’t he? He’s a religious nut and a conservative… like Dubya. So they do have something in common after all. Anyways did he hold the Holocaust Didn’t Happen Club on Thursdays or Saturdays? Was he blogging about his secret nuclear desires? Couldn’t we see him have a little fun, you know catch him dancing, smoking a hookah and sipping on some scotch? Was he really devout? I mean really, c’mon what 10 times a day – I need some evidence via his Motorola Razr camera phone. Who were his friends? Mr. Bush, It Rice, Mr. Chavez, Nasrallah, Ricky Martin, Los Lobos, Diddy, or Mrs. Spears? Any travelogues? I mean Iran is hidden enough, so would he do his friends the pleasure of displaying Tehran hours before we’d get a hold of the National Inquirer Iran? What backsplash would he have? Pink? Red? Maybe, Black? Could we see his already planned U.S. rebuttal letter? Was, “As Time Goes By” playing when we opened the page?
To know Mr. Ahmadinejad was to be bring me great joy, as an American who would like get to know another side of an often mislead man. He was to be my 4,987 friend, the first from Iran, the first Muslim and was going to be in my top 8. So the anticipation of all these firsts was strenuous. For days I checked and rechecked. There was no response. I felt defeated. I journeyed his public page once more a week later and to my surprise, there was a new post. It read: To all those who wish to view my smug, bearded Iranian landscaped face as a MySpace friend you cannot be any of the following: an infidel, an American, a gay/lesbian, a woman and of course, a non-Muslim. This is Iran and I am Iran. There are exceptions: Latin love children are welcome (hence Ricky Martin), defectors (hence Cat Stevens) and beat-up/no-good American politicians out for revenge (hence Al Gore and John Kerry).
So as a Jewish-American (non-Hispanic), lesbian I hit a nerve in his rules for admittance. He’s crazy! I don’t think he’s the worst man in the world and I’m an American. As I tried to calm myself down, I kept telling myself he’ll come crawling back. One of these days, when he’s at war with the Imperialist infidels and his people are tired of his quasi-democratic ways, he’ll wish he’d had a shoulder to lean on. Here’s looking at you, kid! Bombs away, Bush.