Conspiracy Theories Are My Shit

There’s always some light of truth to shed, regardless of how structured or wildly insane my theories might sound. Subconsciously, headlines and the news have an effect that might not take hold immediately, but later those stories/headlines will make a believer out of you. That’s where I come in – I am here to save your day (and mind, maybe)!


Bush & Bush
The Saints Snatch Reggie Bush, while the Texans Look like Fools
President Bush, reeling from his stale and lethargic post-Katrina efforts, decided to play God. He met with White House officials and on his own devised a scheme to “Bring back Na’lins”. In a leaked, taped phone conversation, Bush addresses his concern to Houston Texans owner in March of 2005, “Mr. Robert C. McNair, I’ve got great respect for your new franchise. Heck, I love watching my home team every Sunday after church. But they keep losing and we need a winner. Hold that thought. Next month’s the draft and they got this black feller, “Bush” they call him. My brethren, just joking there. Aint no black folk near my pedigree. Anyway I had this idea: since I “screwed” up in the NO with those 9th ward victims and all them destitute lazy black people and all those flood fleeing bozos – heck, I’d a built an arc like Noah did. Don’t people read the Bible no more? The US government and my administration made horrible PR moves and we need a quick fix, cuz them levees aint going to hold again. We aint fixing them neither! We’d like to offer you cash, I don’t know how about $300 million for you to throw next months draft and not choose Reggie “the Savior” Bush.

See, next time this year, all the fans, all the Na’linites will be screaming and chanting “BUSH, BUSH, BUSH”. See, now they going to ask, who saved Na’lins. Bush, Bush. That’s me. Boy, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

So we pay you, you don’t choose Bush. Na’lin Saints choose Bush. They go on to play in the Superdome and hopefully the Superbowl. There’s nothing like uplifting spirits through sports. They’ll all forget who forgot them, the US government. W, I mean, Reggie Bush, will make Na’lins again. And too, give some of that money to charities in Houston. They deserve it, since half of Na’lins population lives there now. What do you say, Robert?”
Well, no need to hear what Robert said. Next time you see the Saints, just remember who made that happen and why.

Laura Bush never had Skin Cancer
On a lesser note and a smaller conspiracy, er, truth, recent reports of the First Lady, Laura Bush having defeated skin cancer is a lie. The administration wants it known that they are regular folk like everybody else. The Bush family intellect is not so good, yet they have been dominant in politics and married into money over the last century and a half. The Bush Administration wants to leak stories of hope like this, amidst Iraqi, national and international tragedies. These stories counter the despicable acts of the current regime. This “hope” tells us that regular folk like you and me can overcome cancer. Such hogwash. While cancer is certainly beaten, I doubt that Laura had it. It is a story of will power and strength to defeat cancer. So, naturally with Bush losing Americans daily (both here and Iraq and sweatshop workers to appease American corporations to sissy advocacy child labor activists) he drummed this battle up. If Laura wins against cancer, certainly us Americans can stand firmly on our position and look those “terrorists” in the eye and say “HA!” We can win too.