Thursday, December 28, 2006

Hip Hop Just Died


Caption [Jay Z says to Nas, "You got the J-O-B done?" Nas replies, "Yes sur, master." Jay Z counters, "That's what I like to hear! Git ya ass on back to the trailor... It's Young H-O-V!"]

Earlier today, we’ve just received news that has confirmed previous reports that, in fact, Hip Hop is dead. They’re mock grave stones depicting “Hip Hop 1978-2006” with varying birthdates. However, most are in accordance with the day that Hip Hop died, the morning of Tuesday December 19, 2006. Hip Hop is survived by millions of fans of all languages and backgrounds. It is also survived by people who consider themselves part of Hip Hop culture because they like DMX’s 1998 song “Ruff Ryders’s Anthem”. Hip Hop spawned so many illegitimate children throughout its reign over pop culture. The “White” crowd was created out of wedlock – Hip Hop whored itself out to the almighty dollar. These throngs of “White”, scorned children will have to look elsewhere for their source of “ghetto” references.

NYC bohemian Shaa Refugeegee, an acclaimed Reggae/Hip Hop artist on the fray, reflects, “You see, Hip Hop was not only a home to those shunned black children of our current generations, no it was something so cool it could make the white man’s children scream; it could make McDonald’s, corporate entities, woo Hip Hop into its doors to sway the youth. With a culture so fierce and dark, Hip Hop shed new light; romantic it was not. Gritty and soul wrenching, the feelings of Hip Hop settled in the dusk light and fermented. For many years “Rap” wasn’t an interest. “Oh, that’s for blacks”, they said, “let ‘em have it – it’ll be our way of saying thanks.” Well, you let our creature grow out of desperation, out of need and love. And all of a sudden, a bouquet worth millions arose. And you want it. It is Motown all over again. Those giant hands never stop, do they? Keep on working us over until when? My friends, here tonight, at this poetry slam, I aim to keep Hip Hop alive – the plague has spread. So with me join along, regale of the Emcee’s…”

Ardent Hip Hop fan, Jamaica Jones of NYC in an interview with NBC Nightly News’ Janet Robins, “So, Jamaica, how are you dealing with this sudden loss?”
Jamaica Jones, “It’s a tragedy! I mean, yesterday I was dancing with Hip Hop and it’s gone? One day? I’m all choked up!”
Janet Robins, “I know it was a terrible loss. The police are saying, though that Hip Hop is a homicide. It was believed that it might have been suicide or a death of natural causes. Can you tell me what your last moment with Hip Hop was, what song were you listening to?”
Jamaica Jones, “Huh. [Sniffles and nodding] Yeah, it was. It was. [Tears well up again] Shake your LAFFY TAFFY, Oooh, girl you’re so thick, call you Jolly Ranger dadadum doh!”
Janet Robins, “As you see here Jamaica Jones of Queens is truly heart broken by the loss, back to you Robert.”
Robert, “Janet, any word on culprits?”
Janet Robins, “And to this point I’ve heard vigil candle holders yell for the South’s blood and Nas’ head. To those out there watching, the South and Nas are armed and dangerous. You can decipher “the South” if you see someone snapping their fingers, walking it out, shaking their laffy taffys, getting low, getting crunk and disorderly, yelling indiscriminate “YEAHS”, bobbin their heads, goin down, doing a mock motorcycle dance, leaning or rocking with “it” – OH! For chrissakes people, if you see any stupid, nonsensical dance like the “Heisman on that Ho” or boy bands or girl bands named Cherish – no need to be alarmed. Really. Our expert on the South is that they will die and another silly thing will arise in its place. Just slap some sense into it or rather don’t pay any attention to it and it will go away. As for this Nas character – he seems to be quite a chameleon. He may be riding dirty. He may go by Willie Esco or Nasir or something silly. He has a Kelis tattoo on his lower back. He has whip marks from Jay Z on his back. He may slouch. He may toot his own horn. He is from QB. He will talk about MC Marley Mel, MC Shan, MC I don’t care – lets tell you he’ll mention some old fart who quit their day job to spin records. Oh, and most importantly he’ll be carrying with him a copy of his 1994 release of “Illmatic” for good luck. A tip from our expert, “Take the “Illmatic” away from Nas and he has nothing!”

Lindsay Becker, a high school senior, thought aloud, “Like, oh my goodness. That is sooo sad. What are they going to do now? I mean, like, what I am I going to do now. I can’t tease boys “Just a Lil Bit”. And when we go to parties, like when there’s down time and the party atmosphere is waning, there’s that moment of epiphany and like um, you just feel, like, inside, internally, something profoundly deep that you have to save this party so like, you dig in something, like the hosts cd booklet thingy and find Dr. Dre’s Chronic album and throw it on. The boys will love you! And then we’d just like sing along to the music and wail our arms. I’m so gonna miss Fiddy and like all those, oh my god Rach, I just realized Kanye’s “Gold Digger” is Hip Hop – we’re so not gonna shake our tushies to that and point at ourselves anymore and then we’re like not gonna be so fashionable and cool, cuz like, Motley Crue or Green Day isn’t “IN” anymore. We’re sooo not cool. Like, we’re gonna have to find some other music and culture to exploit and make cool. What about Chinese music, Rach?” I calmed her qualms by telling her that “Gold Digger” was Pop music and was not dead at all. Lindsay rattled, “Are, are you serious. “Oh she a trifling friend, indeed…””

Jeremiah Alexander, a student at New York University, hosted a party tonight, “Yeah, having a good time – no DJ of course. Got Derrick over there on the iPod. Yeah things have been pretty low key here, man. Keg’s over there if you need some beer, dude. Yeah, like I said not too many eventful happenings. No fights, no knife fights at least, just one gun fight – Fucking A MAN! See I tried, I tried! I can’t! Hip Hop meant so much to me! Master P said those lyrics, yes Percy “The Poet” Miller once told me ‘never bring a knife to a gun fight, you on behind enemy lines, you gon’ ride tonight’. You know, I thought I could move on. Just aint happenin.” A random person interjects, “What’s happenin, what’s up, what’s up!” Alexander continued, “See, it’s that sort of stuff that gets you. He even had to do his own echoes. AH, it’s killing me. We’ve been playing Tony Keith songs all night, with a little Rascal Flats – it’s just madness I tell you! [Alexander seems to have a drunk moment with me] Oh, you out? Arright dude, Peace!”

Minister Joe Jenkins offered, “”Hip Hop is Dead” is a lie. The media is just trumpeting this huge, great loss up so we can get all emotional and reminisce about how great Hip Hop was and how it has made us better people. As much as it has given to me, it has also taken so much. First the positives. With the zillionth reference to crack, I fo’ sure know that I aint takin crack. Crack heads funny! Nah I’m sayin’. Ya dig. It has stepped up my vocabulary ten fold and my poignant usage of metaphors and similes have spiked. I gots that so called “Swagga”! You smell me. I gets to call my women bitches cuz they bitches, ya heard? Apparently my fellow citizens didn’t, sir. See, if you can sense my note of sarcasm here you can tell that Hippity Hoppity aint make no God damned sense! And those rascals used the “N” word so much, hell even white folks like Kramer fancies it. Got black folk franchising the “N” word! Heck, even we got Pitbull using it! Who is this Pitbull and where did come from anyways. I found this Pitbull CD in my daughter Angela’s room. Put it on. He tellin me to “Quitate la ropa” and “Bounce”! Boy I aint bounce. Why you commanding me to bounce, you some drill sergeant already! Take ya ass back to Guatemala or wherever you came from. Damn, Mexicans, that aint even rap! Don’t get me started on this Jazzy fellow, saying he like to trap. What you trappin for boy! You stuck in closet with R. Kelly and need to trap a mouse to put up yo butt? Shoo, go on and get a jobby job like Snoopy did.”

Conspiracy theorist Wes Wiggles posits, “See there’s many theories on Hip Hop’s death. Is it natural death, homicide or suicide? If you go with natural causes, you end up at a dead end, no pun intended. A form of music, a way of life, a way to dupe millions of people for that matter cannot and will not go away like a magic trick. As Jay would put it “Vamoose son of a bitch!” It doesn’t just vamoose, although unless someone irritated it? Suicide is what most “true” Hip Hop enthusiasts will say. With the influence of Nas’ supposed controversy that the South killed rap, many Hip Hop heads, backpackers included, agree that “Bling” did it. Well, to me and most, if they think about it, D4L and Paul Wall, Rick Ross, DFB – all these “Moment” rappers (“moment” meaning for the moment) – would have been only taken seriously by dumb asses. If Hip Hop’s fans had had the determination to look away when “Bling” entered then Hip Hop wouldn’t be dead. But we didn’t, did we? We sang along, “Throw some Ds on that, Bitch”, while knowing that none of us would have the extra money or the mind, or lack their of, to “pimp” out a 15 year old car so it has “Screens falling” form the mud flaps.
See that’s why this looks like a suicide but isn’t. Nas is framing the South for Hip Hop’s sudden death. Where has Nas been the last few years? Hmm, soaking it up? Being a dominant, celebrity rapper and cooking with Kelis? Yes. But that’s an awful lot of time to be off. Planning. The death of Hip Hop. Who hired him? Jay Z. What’s Jay gotta to do – he from Marcy. Yeah, lest I remind he just comes on Christmas Day (In fact, he didn’t even show up three days ago, Camron, where you get your info). Who Jay work for? Def Jam. A corporation. Who he push. Rick Ross. Young Jeezy. From the South.
See Nas was just a puppet, a front man. Jay called him to make amends. They shook hands, Nas was paid to do the dirty work and lay his image out on the line. Jay just sat back. And it crumbled. Watch he gonna take out his stocks in Ross and Jeezy early and pull some Martha Stewart shit on us. Hell, I bet Jay killed James Brown too. Hit Me! Okay, I take that back. Sickle cell killed James Brown. Okay, okay a white woman killed James Brown.”
Wiggles added, “Well anyways, there are two simple answers to Hip Hop’s death and I firmly believe in both, while I am rooting for the latter. Ring Tones killed Hip Hop. Gangster Looks Killed Hip Hop.”

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home