"Barack Obama Isn't White Enough"

“All the minute controversy that the Obama ’08 Presidential campaign has run into lately, with certain folk regarding Obama “not black enough”, is just plain silly; Obama is in the opposite predicament: he isn’t white enough.” explains his campaign manager, Chris Jackson, “Yeah, we need to do something defining. Here it is February ’07 and we’ve got to get this issue squared away. America is all about black and white—no gray. Even though Barack is actually gray, it seems clear that for a Presidential candidate to be accepted, he needs to be this or that, not both or something different. With Barack being the first serious candidate to have black in him and with the way America is divided now, we need to have it clear, Barack is either: Black or White. See, Americans are stupid by nature, they have that “can’t someone else decipher that for me” attitude and when it comes to politics, that attitude is sooo beneficial for us politicians because we can use them; they don’t really know us—whatever I tell them, through that idiot box, they’ll believe wholeheartedly. Presidents ride on their presented image, not issues, look at Kerry. It is how we present Obama to the American public. So it’s like this partitioning with Obama, what category does he go in? Certain people have claimed they wont vote for Obama because he isn’t “black” enough. We have to take this seriously, although a few things come to mind with that concern. Those who believe that and wouldn’t vote for him—do they vote in the first place? Heck, even if we gave Tyrone a pack of Menthols, he still wouldn’t vote, he’d be like, “Theys betta be 20 in here. Don’t make me count ‘em.” I mean, I’ve been to some ghettos and I know Tyrone doesn’t know his polling place. So, while he complains “Obama ain’t black enough”, I would counter and if, say, Barack had 3 baby mommas, would that be black enough for you Tyrone? Stop yapping, do you know how to spell Obama? I don’t mean to be rude, but what do those people think, we don’t need Obama to be the next Kobe! Agreed, Obama’s success lies within the black community, let’s be honest, white people voting for Obama? Yeah, that’s not going to happen just like that. But Barack isn’t that black. We realize that and we are in the midst of addressing that. We got him the “sistah” wife, um, we’re trying to create a solid black man out of one who is half and doesn’t necessarily need to be pigeon-holed into stereotypes. See, we Americans hoped to be past that stage, stereotypes, but it seems to be ruling our lives. Our new ideas? Well, we’ve thought, “hey, we need white voters” both Dems and Repubs and especially Moderates to put a check by Obama come primary time. Obama, maybe then, isn’t white enough. I mean, there’s no running from it. And viewing how last year’s campaign ads slashed each other so bad, we’d be killing ourselves if we drummed up “Obama is Black”—he grew up with his white mom and grand folks in Hawaii. Plus, he’s part Kenyan, not part black. Trust me, in today’s world it shouldn’t matter but it does. He’s a religious man, so Barack is going to tour white denominations across the nation to inspire some sort of reparations. He’ll shake hands, smile, and eat American pie if he has to; whatever it takes! He’s got to play the game and he knows that. We even think he should do a variety-entertainment show, kind of like a Donny & Marie. Like a Minstrelesque show. I mean, if there’s one thing America loves, it is exploiting blacks’ bodies, voices and pure charisma for entertainment. It’s degrading but America loves that shit! It makes them feel better. If whites vote, it’ll be like “Awww, I feel good. Now they are equal, sort of. At least we can say so and they are due, I mean, for some respect.” Obama is the “We Care” vote. We’re getting Obama to be more white and if people have problems, vote for the sinking ships known as Mosley Brown or Sharpton. Hopefully, our experiment will not explode in our face, like Michael Jackson—Ah-Shaamon! Ultimately, as white as Barack will need to be, he needs to incorporate the ability to go back and forth as a chameleon does, to please everybody. That’s how these things work. To those Obama critics, watch out! Cuz, He’s gonna get you suckas!”