No, I’m Dannielynn’s Father

Move it or lose it, sister! Larry King, Geraldo, Seacrest, where’s my interview?! After mulling it over the last week, I fathered Anna Nicole Smith’s baby girl, my daughter, Dannielynn. Don’t listen to that one guy who’s a model or a quasi-pretty star or Howard K. Stern or that foreigner or Anna’s sister! Trust me, I got 9 out of 9 Gold Stars for each month for being the class angel in first grade—I don’t lie. Why come out so late? Well, as you presumed, she’s been with lots of men, so I wanted to really think hard and see if it was me. I even made lists of the men she’d bedded throughout the years, like a family tree of dead heads. F* the autopsy. Here’s a cup full of my sperm and if you must know, my DNA sperm cup motivation was totally void of Anna’s menacing, unkempt, frazzled image.

Amid all the controversy, I’m willing to battle for my daughter and her fortune! I’m truly sorry for what’s his names death. Note to self: remember your kid you parented for a few days. And now Anna? Terrible, truly. Her current boy toy, former lawyer and savvy saboteur Howard K. Stern must be gay with loss; he’s next… Um, our relationship? On again, off again for the past few years. Ah, exactly? I don’t know particulars, I’m forgetful. I couldn’t even remember my kid until now, go figure. We’ll say, for good measure, post-Trim Spa days – I would not have stuck my thingy in her thingy when she was voluptuously, that overweight. She’d have eaten my thingy, chewed it through.

I know you’ve never seen me or heard of me and Anna may not have “recalled” me if she were still alive but we did do it. How did I manage if I’ve never been to L.A. to have relations? Damn, didn’t prepare for that one. Let’s see, if and then that and I did, okay: I punctured a condom, transferred my sperm to it, recoiled the condom to its original state, added an air bubble with a Anna’s McDonalds straw, heat sealed the wrapper with her methadone and Trim Spa paraphernalia and sold it to Howard K. Stern while they were in the Bahamas. So when he used it (I also slit a hole in the condom) my sperm, along with his, vied for a fucking rich ass pay-off, er, I mean fatherhood. I know Dannielynn has no hint of color in her. Well, I can’t beat around the bush that much. Just take that simple, minute, insignificant detail and pack it away for later. Can I go now?