Subway's Jared Defects and Relapses

The Subway spokesman, who single handedly raised Subway from the dumps, has relapsed and has gained enough weight to surpass his pre-Subway diet days. Reports have surfaced that Jared has ballooned to around 425 pounds, this after tremendously slimming down to around 200 pounds, dieting exclusively on Subway. National Inquirer paparazzi have spotted Jared in his Hybrid Prius, stuffing his face with some sort of burger with nuggets and fires in between his legs. “I couldn’t take it anymore. All this “Eat Fresh” campaign, I just can’t live like that anymore. That crap never satisfied me! Turkey bacon Swiss and 6 grams of fuck you! They made me eat at least two meals a day of sub sandwiches while I was with them. Yes, I got paid. It is in my contract that if I eat or am seen near any other restaurant I will be fined. Well, call me Sally, cause I just ate a half-pounder at CJ’s [fast food jargon for Carl Jr.’s or Hardees] and am en route to Sonic for their Coney dog and tots. Ha!” Jared touted as he sped off on Sunset in L.A. The defection happened a few weeks ago when Jared was on the Subway set smashing on Taco Bell’s Chili cheeserito. It was taken out of his hand. Finally, it became publicly apparent that Jared had strayed when at a child obesity conference, he stopped his prewritten Subway rant and yelled “Big Macs for all. Where are all my skinnies! Eat up my precious’. You are but one Big Mac away from tipping the scale, one Big Mac away from hypertension at age 12 and one Big Mac away from starvation! Real Americans have bellies. Revere the rotund.” Subway officials reportedly lured Jared away from the podium with two Burger King Quad Stackers.