LeBron James Has had it up to Here

King LeBron, after another Cav’s loss, sounded off, “Man, I’ve had it up to here [pointing to his shoulders] with this. We keep on losing games we should win. I mean, I’m doing my thing. I drop like 30 a game, dish 7, rebound 7, steal, block—fuck I do everything. How do they repay me!” A reporter chimed in, “Ah, with millions and you run your whole team.” James quipped, “Naw, man I know that, I didn’t mean that. I was talking about my teammates. Plus, today, we didn’t deal for Bibby! Now why not, I’m getting tired of handling the rock. I’ve always been an exceptional team player and love it; I’m not Kobe’s selfish ass! I’m at the point where I believe I could play teams 5 versus me and still pull off a win [the reporters all nodded and agreed]. It’s just ridiculous, I work my ass off nightly and we’re so fucking inconsistent. I’m better than Mike [Michael Jordan]… before he was Mike! At least we ‘bout to get Scottie.” After putting his boxers on, James continued, “Look I got no help. Sure Larry [Hughes] shows up one night. But then where’s he at the next. Yeah, injured… with another tattoo! Larry, you aint A.I. [shouts towards Larry’s locker]. Then we got Varejack or Pepper Jack or Vari… whatever he his, Mexican or Rioian and I don’t care but he’s been slow to come on. Eric? Please, he washed up. He can’t even be my Ron Harper! Donnyell, shit he only plays for contracts, looking like the old Ludacris and all. Gibson and Pav, they at least some help, I ain’t mad at them. Gooden, I know you don’t got ya own Sprite “Sublymonal” ad, but dude, for real step you game up, rebound, shoot a “j” and get a hair cut. We just lack that killer instinct!”

Soon after James’ lecture, he pondered his future, “The other night I had a dream. This was like some crystal ball shit, minus the Ms. Cleo [he laughs]. I was like 30 and I was still right here, in the Cavs locker room complaining nicely about my team and I’s failures. It was crazy. I started thinking, like, ‘damn, I’m walking in KG’s footsteps.’ Imma be that guy, that great one, who never won nothing. I’ll be the best superstar ever never to win a ring. I’ll win all those MVPs, this and that. But man! I aint no joke. I come to play every night. We need something, someone. I know I’m only 21 but like, thinking about my dream and all, I just don’t want to end up like KG.”