G-Unit pulls a “Marvin Bernard”

Weeks ago there was speculation that Young Buck, a part of G-Unit, was to be kicked out of the posse by head member 50 cent for not sticking up for fellow member Tony Yayo’s actions. Tony Yayo, or better known as Tony Yoyo, roughed up a 14 year old kid. Many condemned the assault and even community healer, Al Sharpton got tangled in the mess and called for an end to senseless violence. Sharpton was quoted as saying, “What is this? Huh? Our brothers are stronger than this. You don’t do something like to this to anyone, let alone a 14 year old! Now I’ve done some research on this Yoyo guy and he’s acted like this before. Matter of fact, this whole G-Unit has acted ridiculous. It’s as if these untalented dimwits, bored, go around and cause trouble—and for what!?! All over Hip-Hop 50 cent has been a nuisance. Now, because no one likes them, he ran away to Connecticut. He just kicked Olivia out of the group, a woman, although when I saw his, excuse me, her picture, she looked like a man. I heard about all that Game non-sense. GGGGGG-U-NO! And now this Young Buck is going to be kicked out of not sticking up for violence on kids? Seriously, stop pulling a “Marvin Bernard” G-Unit!”

It was learned that 50 cent was “just joking” and “has an odd sense of humor”. 50 reiterated that Young Buck, regardless of the disagreement, was still a part of G-Unit. It has felt as if for sometime that Buck would break away from the group but he reassured us of his passion and love for being part of G-Unit, “Man 50 and me cool. He let’s me be me on two weekends a month. I mean I’m in Cashville most of the time but we get up, he keeps tabs on me for sure. He’s like an older brother to me. I mean yeah, we’ve had our fights like any other group but we good. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, aint that right! I just was being real, you know, Marvin can’t be doing that shit, he needs to learn. He already been to jail and got bitched! 50’ll whip him real good for getting G-Unit bad press—that’s what he always does. And Marvin is his pet, kinda like his son or something, cuz 50 always stick up for him and shit, patting him on the back and shit.” Buck continued, “Yeah, me and 50 have grown apart but it’s like man we bonded, we’re blood. 50 fucked me in the ass—that’s real love, some fatherly love. I need him. We can’t break up!”

Now, yesterday Yoyo pulled another “Marvin Bernard”, as he beat up B5, a young Hip-Hop group signed to Bad Boy Records. Excuse me, the report said Yoyo attempted to beat up B5 but was overtaken and actually was slapped in the face. According to B5’s publicist, after a concert outside a New Jersey mall, Yoyo approached and bum rushed the kids. He tackled all of them in one burst but fell awkwardly. As he rose he called an unheard of “Timeout” even going so far as to demarcate his signal by perpendicularly arranging his hands in a “T”. From there he rose to his knees. The kids tried to scatter. He threw his shoe at one and the kid, grimacing in pain, caressed his mouth. Yoyo then chased down another and slapped him. He began to take off his belt and whip him. The oldest, demoralized, decided to fight back. He poked Yoyo on the back and yelled, “C’mon, let’s fight for real, put your dukes up!” Yoyo laughed. Yoyo was then punched in the face repeatedly. The eldest b5 member then low blowed Yoyo and nothing happened. He exclaimed, “You really are a bitch?” Yoyo, in self-defense, then reached into his G-Unit jeans and pulled out a Glock. He pistol whipped the kid and screamed, “You don’t know me son! You don’t know me son! This is how we do, we acafool with lil boys, huh!! Yeah, yeah, cry bitch, cry!” Security guards came in and Yoyo denied any involvement but he said, “I know who did it, I seen him. I seen him with my own two eyes—there he go right there!” A random man was arrested and booked.

When reporters asked 50’s feelings about what occurred he questioned, “Did Marvin get that lil’ kid? I hope he did. I hope he smacked the shit out that brat! He better have cuz I told him, those were my distinct orders. Marvin better have not fucked this one up. No, not again!” Asked why 50 sent a hit out on b5 and why was there beef in the first place, “I don’t know. I don’t like kids. I was reading this interview about b5 and the older one was saying he listened to Game and Fat Joe. We beefin so, I don’t like ‘em. Then, they’s Diddy’s brats too. And that lil’ 5 year old bitch kid was sayin that for his birthday he got a Lloyd Banks CD, cried that it was unfair and took it back. And I checked too, Sam Goody in Brooklyn has one more copy. That’s less money for Lloyd… I mean me! And I seen them hoes dancing on the stage with some Mickey Mouse, Little Mermaid type gear. I dropped them G-Unit’s at they crib. They momma took them shits and was like, “yeah I’ll make sure they rock em after practice.” Plus they got a bedtime! Man, when I was 9 I was selling cocaine muthfucka! I’d already been shot 3 times, too. I’m just tryin to instill some hood in ‘em

Al Sharpton was reached and over the phone yelped, “Did they get the little one! Please tell me they did?”